My understanding of arranged marriages is this. First, the horoscopes are exchanged, then the astrologer approves the 10/10 match. The boy’s and girl’s sides exchange profile pictures, followed by a girl-seeing session. I guess, this is more for the boy’s side to assess the girl’s wealth, culinary silks, and her interest in Bharatnatyam and Carnatic Music. The date is then fixed and they get married. If they are lucky, they will be allowed to meet up and maybe write to each other until the wedding.
Surprisingly, I seem to have seen more of the abnormal ones. The 70’s saw many love marriages in the family. Some cousins married each other. One made his sister’s best friend, his wife. While one married her colleague, another married her tuition teacher. A third married a North Indian friend of hers.
In my circle of friends too, there seem to be many who have married their childhood sweethearts, colleagues, friends etc.
My sister married a nice guy she met at a family friend’s wedding, and my other sister married our paternal cousin. I married my foodie friend from work; there seemed to be more love for food than for each other.
When somebody asks me if mine was arranged, I say no. The next statement is that it was then a love marriage, and I still say no. I think it was somewhere in between, a convenience marriage... a food bond, that progressed to a ‘I know you so well, I might as well get married to you!’ or ‘A known devil is better than an unknown angel!’ state. The two families had nothing much to say, so we ended up married.
Today, arranged marriages almost seem extinct. If at all there is one, it seems like the girl or the guy wasn’t smart enough to find his/her own match. The compromises that one has to make to stay married (leave alone happily) these days are unimaginable. I see many love marriages falling apart, wonder how the arranged ones carry on.
In fact, 10 years ago, at the peak of my independence, I was completely against getting married. It felt like I would lose my freedom to buy whatever I wanted, eat wherever I wanted, and not worry about where I lived and what bills were paid.
I see the youngsters in the family sailing in the same boat now. They don’t want to get married, they don’t believe in love, they don’t want to live in someone else’s shadow, they don’t want to be tied down, they don’t want to have children. But, they are ok with living-in with partners, having a steady partner or just have a specific bunch of good friends to hang out with.
Is this commitment phobia? Is the society changing? Is it the financial independence that they don’t want to let go? Is it the fear of the unknown? Is it the impact of broken marriages?
I don’t really know which one..... but one thing is sure, there is no hope in hell for those lovely kanjivaram sarees sitting in my wardrobe...... they will wear out at the folds and wither away over time, and never see the light and air of a wedding hall!!!
Good 1. The First Paragraph is Typical South Indian Style of arranged Marriage. It is very different in other Castes and also varies as You Go Upwards from South. "In" the Family Marriage is also more in South India apart from MUSLIMS though I do feel it is much less frequent now. I believe it helped keep all the Wealth and Properties in the Family , with less disputes.
ReplyDeleteYou and Your Hubby are Food Couple and , Food is what Got You Married can be known very easily to people who know You and especially c both of You. If they c Your Doors -the width , it confirms.
Marriages are falling apart more easily now, as there are more choices for both Men and Women as they meet and engage more people in their work place , gyms, other social places , and they are open enough to correct what they think was a mistake in the first place, and they do not believe in making too many adjustments as financial and emotional Independence in case of especially Women is better.
Yes, Mani! Thanks for your comment!!
ReplyDeleteYour last sentence is just a convenient ending right? No more marriages in India ????? :-)
ReplyDeleteIt's of course the eternal debate. You reckon there are no arranged marriages these days at all? Where boy meets girl thru family and gets married some 6 months later? Mine was one such for sure....and what do u thnk is the divorce rate in India today?
Sai, maybe yours is a very Mumbai perspective- Bombay , Delhi and the bigger cities up north are I think way more liberal than the South. I don't think marriages are falling apart more easily- I just think people are getting used to having choices in life - Itz a natural evolution as we are increasingly exposed to the west. Our divorce rates have been low not because everybody was in bliss, but because there were social constraints. Love marriage or otherwise, marriage intrinsically is a situation of compromise and if you are not ready for that, you can keep looking for the next best thing that gets your hormones pumping.
ReplyDeletematrimony sites are minting money...kalyana malai is on its successful 1000th marriage....mahalingapuram temple and other
ReplyDeletematrimonial joints are crowded with worried parents....love marriages might have increased Sai. but i would deftly not agree to your statement - Today, arranged marriages almost seem extinct. But I loved the last sentence...when that is the state of women like me in chennai, no wonder someone like you in mumbai says that about silk sarees...:-)
@ Swami : Yup, I know. I agree mine is a Mumbai perspective. There are still some chamaththu thayir chaadham boys who are getting married in the true blue style.... And as for the ending, I must confess that the whole idea of rambling on marriage started when I was cleaning up my wardrobe and saw those lovely sarees stacked there for years now!
ReplyDelete@ Navina: It is a natural evolution, yes! But still cant stop wondering if it is a good thing or a bad thing...... Anyway, I read your views on the subject in your blog "Our cultural superiority" at Dabbling in Ink, which incidentally is drying up.... When are we reading some more from you? Seriously, my rambling was more like cribbing that I cant use those sarees anymore!
@ Uma: Yes..... but I still think Matrimonial Sites are leaning more towards "not arranged", since it has become very close to social networking sites. I know of 4 couples who met on these sites, and got married much against their parents' wishes...... Now what do you have to say to that?
Personally, I think it is a good thing if people don't think that marriage is an inevitable necessity. That only leads to people making poor choices. If you find the right person, marry. Otherwise, you might be better off single than in an unhappy marriage.
ReplyDelete@ Rohini: You are right. I think it is a good thing too, not to be married than be in an unhappy one... But I cant stop missing the tam brahm wedding meals and the kanjivaram sarees...
ReplyDelete