Wednesday, 4 December 2013

Ayush-ism reloaded


Mamma: Happy Birthday, Ayush!
Ayush: Happy Birthday!
Mamma: Say Thank you, Ayush, you don’t have to wish me back!
Ayush: I am not wishing you, I am wishing myself!
Mamma: Oh! Why?
Ayush: Because I want more wishes for my birthday



Scene: Ayush stubbed his toe on the bathroom door ledge
Ayush: Ouch.....
Mamma saw and didn't say anything, hoping he will get over the small one
Ayush: Mamma, I just got hurt, you don't care about me?
Mamma: I do, but you didn't cry
Ayush: But it hurt badly
Mamma: Don't worry you will be ok, I stubbed my toe last morning too, and I was ok very soon
Ayush: You are an adult, so you can handle it, but I am just a baby!
Mamma is still wondering if this one is a 'baby'!!!


Mamma is sitting with Aryan for his Maths practice.
Aryan: Mamma I am unable to focus since Ayush is singing too loudly
Mamma: Ayush can you go to another room for 5 minutes
Ayush: No please Mamma I promise I won't sing
Aryan: Mamma I still can't focus because Ayush is constantly asking you questions!
Mamma: Ayush can you talk later? Or can you go to your room for 5 minutes?
Ayush: I want to be here in your room please!
Mamma: Ok then stay silent for 5 minutes, no singing no talking.
Ayush: Can I atleast breathe?



My 8 yr old just proved he is getting close to preadolescence! Conversation between him and his 4 yr old brother!
Aryan: I have asked daddy to rent a 6 bedroom house next time. (Spoilt brat)
Ayush: Why? We always take 3 or 4 bedroom! (Puzzled brat)
Aryan: Because, soon I am going to need a room of my own! (Proof 1)
Ayush: Oh! I am going to need an 8 bedroom house! (Need to compete)
Aryan: Even if I need a room of my own, the whole family will be comfortable with 6 bedrooms so why do we need 8 bedrooms? (Logic driven)
Ayush: The 8 bedroom plan is not for our family! It is for me, for when I grow up and live on my own! (Perpetual forethought)
Aryan: Why do you need 8 bedrooms to live alone? (Not environment conscious, just jealous!)
Ayush: I won't be alone, I will be marrying many people! (Progressive for a 4 yr old)
Aryan: Yuck! I will never get married. (Proof 2)
Ayush: Why?(Shocked)
Aryan: Because it is a silly thing to do! (Proof 3)
Ayush: Then you won't also be able to have children! (All babies are so cute)
Aryan: I don't want to have children either! (Proof 4)
Ayush: Why? (Shocked again!)
Aryan: Because, anyway children hate parents and parents hate children! (Proof 5 & 6)



Ayush: Mamma when you were a child did you play on the iPad?
Mamma: No baby. When I was a child there was no iPad or computers!
Ayush: Why not?
Aryan: Because Mamma was a child in the olden days
Ayush: Woah! Mamma you are so lucky!
Aryan: No Ayush she was actually unlucky
Ayush: She was lucky Anna! She must have lived with dinosaurs and travelled in the titanic!
(And I am hoping this has nothing to do with my speed greying!)




Annual holiday officially starts......... and here is a conversation at the dinner table....

Aryan: I want to be on a holiday forever
Daddy: Wish I could too, but not possible
Ayush: Why not possible?
Mamma: Because if you are always on a holiday, you cannot work, and if you cannot work, you cannot earn money and then you cannot go on that holiday.
Aryan: I don't want to work, I can manage by begging all the time
Ayush: I don't want to beg, because then I will have to live on the streets
Mamma: So, Ayush, will you work hard and earn money?
Ayush: No, I will always take pocket money!

Now, if only life was that simple....... WTF did we grow up? WTF do these kids need to grow up?


Aryan: Mamma, is this Dhokla home-made or ready-made?
Ayush: What is the meaning of ready-made?
Aryan: Something that is ready to eat that we can buy from the shop or restaurant.
Ayush: So if Mamma gives us food it is home-made and when Daddy gives us food it is ready-made. Is that correct?
Mamma: Woo-hoo…..



What happens when you have a forty year old trapped in a four year old boy? And a mother who constantly needs to remind him to come back to reality and stop wanting to be in a movie all the time?

The four year old says, "I am now going to switch off the volume of this noisy movie called Mamma!"



8 year old: Mamma, what did the cannibal say to the man who irritated him? 
Mamma: Cannibal said 'Stop it!'
8 year old: No, cannibal said 'You are going to get into hot water!'

4.5 yr old: I don't want to have lunch at the table today!
Mamma: Why not?
4.5 yr old: Because it is a 'dining' table!





On Mother's Day Ayush decided to give me a name that he would call me by forever - ogre 

While trying to teach Ayush to use fork and knife he told me "mamma wait you are tying my hands up!"

Me: Why are you sounding so rude, baby?"
Ayush: I don't know! I was born like that!!


Some questions at the Dining Table:
1. Can you please make blue coloured khichdi?
2. Does the agency put babies in a packet when giving to parents?
3. When I was in your tummy what was my address?
4. Is ear wax made out of olive oil?
5. Is salt made out of cayenne pepper?
6. Can I name my first daughter 'Whiskey'?


Me: What do u want to wear to play in the water?
Ayush: I don't know!
Me: Swim suit?
Ayush: No!
Me: Swim trunks?
Ayush: No!
Me: Chaddi?
Ayush: No!
Me: Then you tell me what you want!
Ayush: I will wear only my penis!



Ayush: Am feeling cold.
Mamma: Shall I switch off the fan?
Ayush: No, maybe a hug and kiss will be good.


Mamma: Can you wear your shirt by yourself?
Ayush: Yes I can! (And wears it inside out)
Mamma: Ayush look at how you are wearing the shirt!
Ayush: Oh am so sorry! I got confused! It is ridiculous!
 Mamma: (speechless.... Is this a 3 year old talking?)



Mamma: Were you a naughty boy at school today?
3 year old: Yes!
Mamma: What do you mean?
3 year old: I pushed a small boy and hit him on his head with my waterbottle!
Mamma: (In utter shock!!!) Huh? Really? Who.... When.... (Frantic short breaths).... Why..... How....?
Ayush: (Grinning) I was "joking", and telling "lies", to sound funny!!


Mamma: What do cows give?
Ayush: Cows give us milk!
Mamma: What do sheep give?
Ayush: Sheep give us wool!
Mamma: What do chickens give?
Ayush: Chickens give us eggs!
Mamma: Ayush, you are very good!
Ayush: I know one more!
Mamma: What?
Ayush: What does Ayush give?
Aryan: Ayush we are talking about farm animals and birds, not humans!!!
Ayush: Ayush gives us us yellow su-su!
Mamma: ROTFL


Location: Kids' Salon
Scene: Stylist finishes the haircut
Stylist to 6.5 year old: Ho gaya beta.
Aryan: Thank you!
Stylist to 3 year old: Ho gaya beta.
Ayush: Well done!


Ammammai: Ouch!
Ayush: It's ok!
Ammammai: I know it's ok, but it hurts!
Ayush: It's ok!
Ammammai: It is not ok, you should say "Sorry!"
Ayush: Ok, Sorry!
Ammammai: That's alright, you didn't do it deliberately!
Ayush: Yes! You know it was a mistake, no?
Ammammai: Yes!
Ayush: Then, why did you ask me to say Sorry?


Ayush crying on our way back home from school!

Ayush: Is daddy there at home?
Mamma: No, he is at work!
Ayush: (Crying) I told him not to go today. He should never go to office.
Mamma: But if he doesn't work, we won't have any money!
Ayush: That's ok!
Mamma: Then we won't have a home, food and clothes!
Ayush: Where will we go then?
Mamma: We will have to live on the streets!
Ayush: Also me?
Mamma: Yes!
Ayush: Will you, Anna and Daddy also live with me on the streets?
Mamma: Yes!
Ayush: Yay, then its ok!


Kids eating breakfast this morning!
Mamma: After finishing your toast, have your milk!
Aryan: Is the milk sweet?
Mamma: Yes!
Aryan: Then, I will pretend that the milk is my dessert!
Ayush: And, I will pretend that the milk is my ‘jungle’!


Ayush: You are a dead person!
Me (Flinching): Why are you saying that?
Ayush: Because you ARE dead!
Me: How can I be dead? I am talking to you and playing with you!
Ayush: I know that, but you are dead.... Because, Anna told me this morning that Mummies are dead people!


Mamma: Good Morning, baby! Come let's go brush your teeth!
Ayush: Give me five mins more!
Mamma: It's already late, baby! By the time we go, Anna will already be done!
Ayush: OK! I got your point!


Ayush: Mamma, Anna was about to get hurt just now!
Mamma: How?
Ayush: I will be honest, and not selfish!
Mamma: Ayush, how come you are using such big words? What's the meaning of 'honest'?
Ayush: Honest means 'I won't do it again'!
(P.S: Anna was about to get hurt because Ayush pushed him.)


Scene: Mamma driving at 7pm and Ayush fighting sleep next to me...
Mamma (Worried about him not having had dinner or shower): Ayush… no sleeping!
Ayush: Am not sleeping
Mamma: I saw your eyes closing
Ayush: That's not sleeping…. that's called blinking!



Mamma: What if I go to Chennai and never come back?
Ayush: I will think you are dead...


Aryan laughs at something that Ayush is doing...
Ayush: Shhh.. Not another word from you!


Just when we were leaving for his painting class!
Ayush: Today I will tell teacher that I want to make a pterodactyl!
Me: What if she says she doesn't know what you mean?
Ayush: Then I will tell her it is a flying dinosaur.
Then he spoke to Aryan for a few mins and comes back and...
Ayush: Mamma, also pterodactyls are predators


Ayush: Mamma, I got hurt. See, I am bleeding!
Mamma: Awww, it’s ok. It’s a small bruise. You'll be fine.
Ayush: But the skin is gone, so put some new skin..
Mamma: What? How can I put new skin. You don't get skin... It has to grow over time...
Ayush: Yes, you can. You need to go buy it in the bakery!!


Scene: English Grammar lessons practice
Mamma: Aryan, make a sentence using 'special'!
Aryan: Hmmm.... Send me a special snack for school tomorrow!
Mamma: Good one, now make one using 'squeaking'!
Aryan: I heard some squeaking and I found it was a mouse!
Ayush: Can I make one too?
Mamma: Yes...... Make one using 'very'!
Ayush: Can I also sing?
Mamma: (Puzzled) Yes, even better!
Ayush: Why this kolaveri kolaveri di!


Ayush came rubbing his forehead and crying to me this afternoon.
Mamma: Why are you crying?
Ayush: Anna and I were playing, and he fell on me!
Mamma: What happened to your head?
Ayush: Anna damaged it...



Ayush (Very seriously): Mamma, do you have a bum?
Mamma: Yes I do!
Ayush (Genuinely surprised): Huh? Really?
Mamma: Yes!
Ayush: Then how come I've not seen it before?
Mamma: Because it is a private part!
Ayush: That's not fair!
Mamma: What do you mean?
Ayush: If you can see my bum, you should show me yours...
Mamma is still reeling with shock!!


Ayush: Can u play chess with me?
Mamma: Yes.
Ayush: Stop working, come play!
Mamma: Ok, go get the chess board!
Ayush: Here, I brought it.
Mamma: Set it up, I will come
Ayush: Here, I have set up white, you set up the black for yourself!
Mamma: Please, can you set up black too?
Ayush: How many jobs should I do? I think I have to do ten thousand jobs.


Scene: Serving Ayush some puffed rice
Mamma: Ayush, do u want kuwmuwa?
Ayush: What?
Mamma: Kuwmuwa!
Ayush: I am a baby I can't say 'wa', so I say 'wa'. But you can say 'wa' pwopely, so speak pwopely.
Mamma: Ok, Ayush! Do u want kurmura?
Ayush: See. You sound nice now. When you said kuwmuwa like me, you sounded vewy silly!



Scene: Reading Hansel and Gretel
Aryan: Mamma, you are a good Mamma. Sometimes you are naughty.
Mamma: Sorry…. Sometimes I am also bad.
Ayush (Matter of fact tone: Didn't bat an eyelid: Pointed his palm at me): That's because you are a step-mother.


Scene: Morning of a school holiday and the mother has some hope of sleeping in. Kids decide to wake up earlier than usual. Have loud conversations / giggle / argue /play / fight at 6:30am in their room. Then the 4 year old saunters into mine.
Ayush: Mamma, its morning. Wake up. Stop being so lazy!
Mamma: Please Ayush, I want to sleep for some more time.
Ayush: You are a Mamma, you should wake up wight now.
To think I make an effort to give them a nice slow loving huggy kissy wake up call on school mornings..


Mamma: Where shall we go for our next holiday?
Aryan: Let’s go to Alaska.
Ayush: Let’s go to Pangea.


Me: Ayush, be gentle with Anna’s car
Ayush: Everyone has to learn to share.
Me: And you have to learn to talk.
Ayush: I already have!


Me: Ayush, please step out of the room, Mamma needs to change.
Ayush: So, why should I step out?
Me: Because you should not see people changing.
Ayush: But you have no private parts!
Me: What do you mean, you have no private parts?
Ayush: You told me, remember? That you don’t have a penis?



Scene: This morning when he was sitting on the pot.... Was pensive for a bit and then.......
Ayush: Mamma, are you ok?
Me: Yes. 
Ayush: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, why?
Ayush: Are you feeling unwell?
Me: Not at all, but tell me why!
Ayush: You have been very well behaved, and haven't shouted at us.


Scene: Waiting for a blood test at the clinic. Pointing to the laboratory.....
Ayush: Mamma, did you see that?
Me: What?
Ayush: That pathologist is testing someone's su-su.


Scene: Real estate agent is walking in with prospective tenant into our Mumbai home to show him the place
Ayush: Who is that?
Mamma: He is an agent.
Ayush: What does he do?
I gave him the answer and both of us went back to what we were doing while the agent took about twenty minutes
to look around, and finally said bye and left.
Ayush: (Vocabulary is very strong, yet stumbles here and there) Mamma, has the oxygen left?
Mamma: Who? Oxygen? What does that mean?
Ayush: That man who helps people find homes...... you told me he is a real estate oxygen!!


Scene: We went to pick up some reports from a nursing home nearby. He met a very old, extremely frail, nightie clad lady walking in the corridor. She asked him a few questions about his school, class, teacher and he chirpily answered her. Then.....
Ayush: Is this your home?
Old lady: No, this is a nursing home!
Ayush: Then, why are you wearing a nightie?
Old lady: Because I am unwell and I am admitted here.
Ayush: Why, what happened to you?
Old lady: I had fever and pain in the stomach, so I am getting treated here.
Ayush: Do you have pain now?
Old lady: Yes, I have pain, and I am old.
Ayush: Are you going to be better soon?
Old lady: I don't know.
Ayush: Then, why don't you just die?
Old lady: That is what I am waiting for.
Ayush: Good!


We are walking around in the park. Mamma: Come let's go up and come walking back down.
Ayush: No, 'you' should follow 'me'!
Mamma: Why?
Ayush: Since I say so!!!


Scene: Dinner outside, orders given, and we get our food served at the table.
Ayush: Anna, what are you eating?
Aryan: Mysore Masala Cheese Dosa!
Ayush: Show me....
Aryan pushes the plate towards him, and Ayush gives it a good look, peering into the rolled up dosa and....
Ayush: Anna, but where is the Mysore??



Ayush: Mamma, will you read these two books to me?
Mamma: Yes! But I will clear up the kitchen  and come in ten minutes.
(After ten minutes I go to him and he is sitting with my book on the sofa!)
Mamma: Ayush you are waiting for me so sweetly. Thank you for your patience..
Ayush: Huh? Patience? I don't have any unwell people here with me!!

Thursday, 26 September 2013

My birthing story.....

"The baby does momentarily distract you from what you have gone through. It almost feels like yes, it was worth the unnecessary intervention. But that’s just transient. Don’t ever believe anyone who says, ‘When you hold the baby, you will forget everything.’ Because every woman remembers everything about her pregnancy and delivery (although there are flashes of amnesia), and recounts it whenever she is sharing with another woman who had gone through the same, perhaps, worse. Your birth story can very often, scar you for life. Talking about it, sharing it, even documenting it can help you come to terms with it. Sometimes this can take months, sometimes years.

This part of Lalita Iyer’s book “I’m pregnant, not terminally ill, you idiot!” got me thinking. We really should be sharing our stories especially the ones we don’t want to….. So here I go…..

Pregnancy
-          Ate for two and put on oodles of weight, and had to walk up and down my hall way in the middle of the night farting and burping away all the gas.
-          Used to wake up several times in the night, sweating or screaming.  Thanks to the nightmares I had – being fully pregnant in the middle of the train track and petrified of the engine coming towards me; clouds loudly abusing me when I walked to my office complex; going for a trip with my friends and seeing ghosts who tell me they will take my baby away the day I give birth….
-          It felt nice to strut around with a belly without being conscious about having a paunch and being asked ‘Are you pregnant?’ when I actually wasn’t.
-          The 3D scan in my second trimester totally creeped me out. Imagine being scared of your own baby, especially when the doctor said, ‘Baby is smiling and waving and saying hi to Papa!’
-          The end of second and the beginning of third trimester saw a surge in my libido. Got desperate enough to see a bald, potbellied, jerk in the bank and was imagining being in bed with him! And, of course ended up in bed with a frightened husband instead.
-          A month before the baby was due, the nesting instinct took over, and I cleared up two shelves in my wardrobe and stocked it up with nappies, cotton jablas, onesies, wrapping clothes, diapers, wet wipes….

Birthing
-          I was desperate to have a normal delivery and did not even want an epidural. My mother who had four deliveries without any pain killer shots, told me it is the best thing to do, and I believed her and felt inspired in her presence.
-          As luck would have it, my water broke 4 weeks ahead of time and had to be rushed to the hospital. The sonography showed the baby having a cord around his neck and that warranted a C-section. And I was petrified of epidural (heard stories of back issues, paralysis, neck pains) and went for a GA. The baby was born and didn’t breathe for 12 seconds and had to be given oxygen for 45 minutes to revive him.
-          I was up the second day because it was boring to lie down and take rest all the time. I wanted to read the paper and check emails and respond to sms’es, and walk to the nursery to see all the babies and walk to the pantry down the corridor to see what was cooking. 
-          Having the baby in my room every two hours to feed him felt like I was handling a new gadget without the instruction manual.

-          I chose to have a C-section for the second baby, because, he went beyond due date, my back pain started getting really intense and I wanted him out.
-          When I was sleeping like a log after the surgery, the nurse put the baby to my breast without even waking me up and I was pissed at her and the baby for spoiling it all.
-          I was discharged in 3 days, and the baby cried all night and never slept. The older one went to school and came back fully charged in 3 hours to spend his whole day with me. I was at wit’s end on the third day and actually went back to the hospital for 3 more days so someone could take care of the crying baby while I slept. And finally returned home when I found a night nurse, I even cribbed and cried that I should not have had a second baby.

Breast feeding
-          I died of the pain of engorgement after both the deliveries. I actually had nurses helping me pump it all out, because I was tired of doing it.
-          I fed my older one for 18 months and exclusively for 6 months. After 18 months, I had a bad winter allergy cough which refused to go even after medication for 2 months, at this stage I had to stop breast feeding since the doctor put me on steroids.
-          I fed my younger one for 1.5 months. He was a winter baby and nobody told me I needed to moisturize my nipples, and they cracked like crazy. Every feed time I was in acute pain, pumping didn’t work, engorgement hurt, and I used to cry when I fed. My older one once told me ‘If this new baby is making you hurt so much, why don’t you go and leave him in the hospital?’
-          Then one morning the baby spat up some milk and I saw blood in it, I was traumatized and we got him tested and a complete checkup revealed that my nipple was oozing blood with my milk (Yuck…….. I know that is disgusting!)
-          With that I ended the saga of the breast feeding in 1.5 months and it was a blessing in disguise. I spent more quality time with the older one and they bonded better with bottle feeding being the highlight of the day for the older one.

So there, now start sharing yours…………

Sunday, 22 September 2013

I'm pregnant, not terminally ill, you idiot! - I loved it..........

You could call me biased, and totally loyal to one of my close friends, Lalita Iyer! But I would love to shoot all those people who claim to have written pregnancy books. I am guilty as charged for reading them and following them, but always always knew that there was something very important that I was missing.

I never was able to put a finger to it, and gave up trying once I finished the baby making, baking and birthing business.…. Until one day, when I laid my hands on “I’m Pregnant, Not Terminally Ill, You Idiot!”, and found what I had really missed…………… a real pregnancy book, with some real answers and, most of all, the feeling of not being alone in those supposedly weird situations and thoughts that ran through my head when I was pregnant.

We should go out drinking with other pregnant women to bitch and swear and share the lousiest moments of pregnancy with, instead of pretending to be what those stupid books and movies expect us to be. There is a lot of joy in having a baby, yes…. which is exactly why I decided to make not one but two, but there are also some really difficult, tough and never-happened-to-anyone-I-know kind of moments one faces during pregnancy. And I so truly agree with Lalita when she says that the mother of the mother-to-be is the only one who shows sympathy and acknowledges your experience.

I found myself smiling, laughing, crying, sighing with relief, but most of all nodding to every word and line in the book. With Lalita, I travelled 9 years back in my life, and rekindled every emotion, only this time with answers
.
While every reader may have different things to take away from the book, I, much to my husband’s chagrin, took away this: “I want to have another baby, please!” I am pretty sure Lalita didn’t intend it, but I want to finally enjoy and live out a pregnancy in the real world with real feelings, and most of all get into it knowing what is going to hit me!

Thank you Lalita Iyer for one of the most enjoyable reads ever. There is a charm to reading a book written by someone you know personally. It was almost like sitting on that sofa at home with a mug of hot diluted South Indian Kaapi and chatting with you. The topic was heavy, but the read, breezy. The lovely details in the black and white illustrations give the book so much life. My 5 year old has scanned through them a million times and loved them too.


I must confess that I have read it a couple of times already and can’t wait for another one from you!  

Monday, 26 August 2013

Of Birthdays and Courtesies


The Dictionary in my head defines Birthday as “A day meant to wish people to celebrate the day of their birth. An opportunity to hear their happy voices, to show them I remember and I care enough to make that call once a year. A sure way to catch up atleast once every year. And mainly, the desperate need to wish on the same day to keep the charm intact!” The same dictionary also defines Courtesies as “Being thoughtful, polite, grateful and nice to people!” Unfortunately, the same stupid dictionary also defines Expectations as “Hoping people would do and be the same towards me!”

I have celebrated 6 of my birthdays with parties organised by friends and family – surprises, candles, cakes, birthday songs, gifts, the works! People have celebrated the rest of the 32 with me, with midnight visits, midnight calls, gifts, flowers, greeting cards, calls all day.

Slowly over the last few years, emails would pour in too, from people who could neither make calls nor send messages but who preferred to put a personal note on email.

Then came FB, reminding my friends, family, acquaintances, friends of friends, acquaintances of acquaintances with a “Today is Sailakshmi Deepak’s birthday, write a birthday wish on their timeline!”, and gave them an option to wish me, and they did. It was a godsend for those who would have otherwise forgotten, a pain in the neck for people who don’t really know me, a chance for people who genuinely care and wanted to wish me, an additional channel for some who wanted to send me more and more wishes, a general news feed for those others who are addicted to FB and have no clue of who and where I am, and maybe even forgot who they actually did wish, even 2 mins later!

Soon there was WhatsApp, BBM and free SMS, for people who actually remembered and wanted to send a message to me. Over time, I saw this perfect down-slide of personalized wishes. Finally, I ended up moving to Dubai being completely out of bounds for local and national calls.

I have been trying to swim against this tide for too long now. I foolishly call people and say hi only to hear a very puzzled ‘Really? You just called to say hi?’ Then they say ‘Oh that is so sweet of you’ and get totally chatty and it feels like old times. Or they say  ‘Ok then if it isn’t urgent, I will call you back or give me a couple of hours am in the middle of something’ and most of the times they never call back nor do they take my second call. Also, I stupidly call all my closest friends and family for every single birthday and anniversary of theirs only to hear ‘Thank you, thanks for remembering and you never fail to call!’ and we get totally chatty and catch up on stuff. Or they say ‘Hey thanks ya, can I call you back?’ and they never ever do.

I totally understand that where there is expectation there is always disappointment. So I am a bit stunned by this feeling I am going through. FB asks me what I am feeling and I started putting up this long write up and thought it makes for a good round of rambling, so here it is.

Yes, yesterday was my birthday. It was hugely different from the 38 I have seen so far.

My family and friends are the best, undeniably the best, but my birthday was a totally disappointing one. Numbers don’t lie, and neither do I.

1.       Number of people I made personal calls to, in 2013 for birthdays and anniversaries = 44
(Data from my diary where I note down important dates and ensure I call them personally without caring about which part of the world they are in. And ensure the kids sing a birthday song for the ones who they know very well!)

2.       Number of Emails sent, Skype calls, Gtalk calls and Phone calls made in 2013 just to say Hi and saying ‘I miss you’ = 200 approx. to about 50 people.
(Data not accurate because I don’t track my local, std, isd, skype, gtalk, talkonaut calls to see how much time and money I have spent on keeping in touch, and understanding that people always hesitate to make STD and ISD calls.)

3.       August 25th – My birthday (With due respect, love, appreciation and gratitude to all those who made this effort)
a.       No. of phone calls – 5
b.      No. of Skype calls – 4
c.       No. of emails – 4
d.      No. of WhatsApp and SMS messages – 8
e.      No. of calls I made to get wished – 1 (I wasn’t desperate; I know this forgetful friend would guilt trip herself later and I wanted to save her from that!)

4.       Facebook Messages – Over 200, and I have personally replied to each and every one of them. And I already said what I think about FB wishes.

So this evening when I checked FB, it said “What are you thinking?” I really wondered “What was I thinking?” and all those numbers stared into my face reminding me that I am the biggest fool ever. Nobody celebrates birthdays anymore, nobody celebrates a person anymore!

Nobody can ever give the smile on a birthday girl’s face, when she sees the name flashing on her screen knowing a warm wish is coming her way. Nobody can ever experience the charm of hearing the happy voice of a birthday girl when she knowingly takes that call.

Nobody can ever hear my happy birthday voice or see my happy birthday grin for another 364 days even if he/she tried. Too little too late.....

And for all those who don't believe in Birthdays and Celebrating theirs....... You grew up too soon, that child in you has gone to sleep for way too long!!!

Thursday, 13 December 2012

Potty Talk

An old post - actually 3 years old....

Parents are expected to teach kids that certain topics are not to be discussed in public, one important category being what happens inside the bathroom. 

My 4.5 year old has taken a fancy for talking about precisely this – POTTY. He loves the topic....and we have no idea why! Thankfully, we are subjected to the dialogues only for 10 mins a day, while he is doing the job! 

He gets very offended if we tell him firmly, not to talk about it... He assumes we don’t want him to talk at all. Then he tries haggling... “Can I say just one more sentence and then stop?”, “There is just one thing I need to say”, etc etc. So we let him finish and hope that it would be the last time we would need to discuss it. 

When we try and ignore the talk, he makes himself really really loud and clear. “Mamma, you know how much I did today?”, “Daddy, I did hard potty!” 

There are times he sounds so gross, yet funny, that we end up in splits, and that is exactly the reaction he seems to be waiting for. These times, there is just no stopping him. I am deliberately avoiding the dialogues, because I really don’t know how many of you will want to read them! But all I can say is that the descriptions that we get are comparable to the cricket commentary coming from Harsha Bhogle. 

With these different approaches, one would think that he would start losing interest, but the crowning glory is this afternoon’s dialogue, when he skipped his routine. “Mamma, my potty seems to be having too much fun inside my tummy, it is refusing to come out!” – Characterisation is the last thing we expected ... or wanted! 

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Ayush-ism.......


 Conversations I enjoyed with the feisty 4 year old in the last 2 years......


Me: What do u want to wear to play in the water?
Ayush: I don't know!
Me: Swim suit?
Ayush: No!
Me: Swim trunks?
Ayush: No!
Me: Chaddi?
Ayush: No!
Me: Then you tell me what you want!
Ayush: I will wear only my penis!



Ayush: Am feeling cold.
Mamma: Shall I switch off the fan?
Ayush: No, maybe a hug and kiss will be good.


Mamma: Can you wear your shirt by yourself?
Ayush: Yes I can! (And wears it inside out)
Mamma: Ayush look at how you are wearing the shirt!
Ayush: Oh am so sorry! I got confused! It is ridiculous!
 Mamma: (speechless.... Is this a 3 year old talking?)



Mamma: Were you a naughty boy at school today?
3 year old: Yes!
Mamma: What do you mean?
3 year old: I pushed a small boy and hit him on his head with my waterbottle!
Mamma: (In utter shock!!!) Huh? Really? Who.... When.... (Frantic short breaths).... Why..... How....?
Ayush: (Grinning) I was "joking", and telling "lies", to sound funny!!


Mamma: What do cows give?
Ayush: Cows give us milk!
Mamma: What do sheep give?
Ayush: Sheep give us wool!
Mamma: What do chickens give?
Ayush: Chickens give us eggs!
Mamma: Ayush, you are very good!
Ayush: I know one more!
Mamma: What?
Ayush: What does Ayush give?
Aryan: Ayush we are talking about farm animals and birds, not humans!!!
Ayush: Ayush gives us us yellow su-su!
Mamma: ROTFL


Location: Kids' Salon
Scene: Stylist finishes the haircut
Stylist to 6.5 year old: Ho gaya beta.
Aryan: Thank you!
Stylist to 3 year old: Ho gaya beta.
Ayush: Well done!


Ammammai: Ouch!
Ayush: It's ok!
Ammammai: I know it's ok, but it hurts!
Ayush: It's ok!
Ammammai: It is not ok, you should say "Sorry!"
Ayush: Ok, Sorry!
Ammammai: That's alright, you didn't do it deliberately!
Ayush: Yes! You know it was a mistake, no?
Ammammai: Yes!
Ayush: Then, why did you ask me to say Sorry?


Ayush crying on our way back home from school!

Ayush: Is daddy there at home?
Mamma: No, he is at work!
Ayush: (Crying) I told him not to go today. He should never go to office.
Mamma: But if he doesn't work, we won't have any money!
Ayush: That's ok!
Mamma: Then we won't have a home, food and clothes!
Ayush: Where will we go then?
Mamma: We will have to live on the streets!
Ayush: Also me?
Mamma: Yes!
Ayush: Will you, Anna and Daddy also live with me on the streets?
Mamma: Yes!
Ayush: Yay, then its ok!


Kids eating breakfast this morning!
Mamma: After finishing your toast, have your milk!
Aryan: Is the milk sweet?
Mamma: Yes!
Aryan: Then, I will pretend that the milk is my dessert!
Ayush: And, I will pretend that the milk is my ‘jungle’!


Ayush: You are a dead person!
Me (Flinching): Why are you saying that?
Ayush: Because you ARE dead!
Me: How can I be dead? I am talking to you and playing with you!
Ayush: I know that, but you are dead.... Because, Anna told me this morning that Mummies are dead people!


Mamma: Good Morning, baby! Come let's go brush your teeth!
Ayush: Give me five mins more!
Mamma: It's already late, baby! By the time we go, Anna will already be done!
Ayush: OK! I got your point!


Ayush: Mamma, Anna was about to get hurt just now!
Mamma: How?
Ayush: I will be honest, and not selfish!
Mamma: Ayush, how come you are using such big words? What's the meaning of 'honest'?
Ayush: Honest means 'I won't do it again'!
(P.S: Anna was about to get hurt because Ayush pushed him.)


Scene: Mamma driving at 7pm and Ayush fighting sleep next to me...
Mamma (Worried about him not having had dinner or shower): Ayush… no sleeping!
Ayush: Am not sleeping
Mamma: I saw your eyes closing
Ayush: That's not sleeping…. that's called blinking!



Mamma: What if I go to Chennai and never come back? 
Ayush: I will think you are dead...


Aryan laughs at something that Ayush is doing...
Ayush: Shhh.. Not another word from you!


Just when we were leaving for his painting class!
Ayush: Today I will tell teacher that I want to make a pterodactyl!
Me: What if she says she doesn't know what you mean?
Ayush: Then I will tell her it is a flying dinosaur.
Then he spoke to Aryan for a few mins and comes back and...
Ayush: Mamma, also pterodactyls are predators


Ayush: Mamma, I got hurt. See, I am bleeding!
Mamma: Awww, it’s ok. It’s a small bruise. You'll be fine.
Ayush: But the skin is gone, so put some new skin..
Mamma: What? How can I put new skin. You don't get skin... It has to grow over time...
Ayush: Yes, you can. You need to go buy it in the bakery!!


Scene: English Grammar lessons practice
Mamma: Aryan, make a sentence using 'special'!
Aryan: Hmmm.... Send me a special snack for school tomorrow!
Mamma: Good one, now make one using 'squeaking'!
Aryan: I heard some squeaking and I found it was a mouse!
Ayush: Can I make one too?
Mamma: Yes...... Make one using 'very'!
Ayush: Can I also sing?
Mamma: (Puzzled) Yes, even better!
Ayush: Why this kolaveri kolaveri di!


Ayush came rubbing his forehead and crying to me this afternoon.
Mamma: Why are you crying?
Ayush: Anna and I were playing, and he fell on me!
Mamma: What happened to your head?
Ayush: Anna damaged it...



Ayush (Very seriously): Mamma, do you have a bum?
Mamma: Yes I do!
Ayush (Genuinely surprised): Huh? Really?
Mamma: Yes!
Ayush: Then how come I've not seen it before?
Mamma: Because it is a private part!
Ayush: That's not fair!
Mamma: What do you mean?
Ayush: If you can see my bum, you should show me yours...
Mamma is still reeling with shock!!


Ayush: Can u play chess with me?
Mamma: Yes.
Ayush: Stop working, come play!
Mamma: Ok, go get the chess board!
Ayush: Here, I brought it.
Mamma: Set it up, I will come
Ayush: Here, I have set up white, you set up the black for yourself!
Mamma: Please, can you set up black too?
Ayush: How many jobs should I do? I think I have to do ten thousand jobs.


Scene: Serving Ayush some puffed rice
Mamma: Ayush, do u want kuwmuwa?
Ayush: What?
Mamma: Kuwmuwa!
Ayush: I am a baby I can't say 'wa', so I say 'wa'. But you can say 'wa' pwopely, so speak pwopely.
Mamma: Ok, Ayush! Do u want kurmura?
Ayush: See. You sound nice now. When you said kuwmuwa like me, you sounded vewy silly!



Scene: Reading Hansel and Gretel
Aryan: Mamma, you are a good Mamma. Sometimes you are naughty.
Mamma: Sorry…. Sometimes I am also bad.
Ayush (Matter of fact tone: Didn't bat an eyelid: Pointed his palm at me): That's because you are a step-mother.


Scene: Morning of a school holiday and the mother has some hope of sleeping in. Kids decide to wake up earlier than usual. Have loud conversations / giggle / argue /play / fight at 6:30am in their room. Then the 4 year old saunters into mine.
Ayush: Mamma, its morning. Wake up. Stop being so lazy!
Mamma: Please Ayush, I want to sleep for some more time.
Ayush: You are a Mamma, you should wake up wight now.
To think I make an effort to give them a nice slow loving huggy kissy wake up call on school mornings..


Mamma: Where shall we go for our next holiday?
Aryan: Let’s go to Alaska.
Ayush: Let’s go to Pangea.